It happens simply. "Oh my...look at Sally, her mom lets her use a pacifier past the age of one"; "Bob is already two years old and not potty trained!!"; "Can you believe Suzy's mom puts her in day care so she can go to the gym?" Yes, it is simple. Someone does things different than you do as a mother, and the lines are drawn, the stage is set, the battle has begun. May the best mom win. This is not how it should be.
Today, a very sweet and precious friend of mine posted on facebook about things people said to her regarding how she is raising her child. I don't know this person as a close friend, she is a friend through the years and miles. We knew each other in high school, and even then she was nurturing and had a spirit that wanted to see the best in everyone around her. The comments made to this person had caused her to feel like a bad mom, inferior, and like she was doing an awful job as a mom. This mom also just made a major life move, is married to a veteran and trying to move through the rigors of the VA system with him, and this is her first child. For me, it broke my heart. It broke my heart that this mom felt attacked by someone else's calloused comments from perhaps a well meaning person. It breaks my heart that this amazing mom now second guesses how she is raising her child.
I have been ridiculed because I allow my sons (and daughter) to play with toy guns, play war, and to shoot. It has been said that I am rooting a spirit of violence. That hurts, because we are not doing that. We are raising our children in the lifestyle we have and the lifestyle we hope they will adopt. We practice and teach gun safety...and hey our eight year old son filled our freezer with a deer he shot...so it can't be that bad, right.
Here is the deal, we all live different lives, we all have different standards, dreams, goals for our families and children. We have different priorities and that is okay. I have taken the stance in the past week that if the child is not directly endangered by a parents choice...as in being covered in meat and put into a pit of alligators...then it really isn't any of my business. Now, if the parent asks me my opinion, I will lovingly give it.
A lot of these mommy wars stem from jealously. Back to Suzy's mom, that is a true story. I am the one that would internally ridicule the mom and talk to my husband about how Suzy's mom doesn't deserve the title of a stay at home mom. I am ashamed of that. That stemmed from jealousy. In all honesty, if I had the means I would put my children in day care so I could do some things for myself by myself a couple days a week. But I don't, and that's okay. Because, I am not able to do something doesn't mean the person who can is wrong.
I have also noticed recently family size has been a topic of conversation. For instance, the Duggar family. Personally, I adore what I see of them and wish that I could have a family that size. Then there are the families that have a single child, because that's what they want. Family size is a personal choice, a choice that should not be opened up for war. One of my friends is currently pregnant with her sixth child, and her oldest in my oldest child's age. At first my reaction was, "dang mama!", but now I see her and how she seems to handle motherhood with grace and beauty. When I see her at 830 am while we drop off children at preschool, she always seems so happy and dressed. Yes, I said dressed. I could judge her in my jealousy that she is dressed and claim her to be selfish...but maybe she just has great time management skills and natural beauty. On the topic of family size, let's be careful as people, not to question women so quickly on "when are you having a baby?" or "your turn!", the story of why the woman is not pregnant may be a painful one. However, some women may choose to not become mothers, and that is a personal choice that should be respected. In a far off illustration, it could be the same as me choosing not to have pets. No one goes around asking me when I am going to get a dog (well, except my children); in the same way we should be considerate to women. Please know I am in no way comparing children to animals or dogs. One friend comes to mind who desperately wants a baby but is unable to at this moment, I cannot imagine receiving the question of "when are you going to have a baby?" I, personally, would love to have three more children. Yes, yes, I know my three already exhaust me and I am run ragged, but in my heart of hearts I would love to have six children, it has always been a desire of mine. I, physically, am unable to have any more children; my last pregnancy almost killed me and it is highly doubtful I could survive another pregnancy. Just tonight I cried to my husband about how I would love to have another child and more children and he just comfortingly understood what I was saying. When people tell me it is time to have another I simply joke about it and say "haha oh no!" but sometimes, inside I just cringe and think, "yes it is".
Back to the mommy wars...off that tangent. Be careful what you say to other moms. An acquaintance recently said she had to "Ritchey proof" her house before my children came over for a play date. Now, as a mom, that leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Most moms with active children are very well aware that their children are active and spirited. In fact, we foster that in our children. We want them to be kids and never want them to be bumps on logs. We want them to experience life to it's fullest. Some parents prefer their children to be quiet and subdued, and that is okay. That is their preference. Don't use little coin phrases to jab others children.
Now onto one I run into often, media and technology! Our children don't have a lot of technological devices. Actually our oldest son is the only one that has one, a DS3, and he had to save up for half of it before he got it, and he saved up by doing odd jobs for people. None of our children have iPads, Kindles, Nooks, or whatever the newest gadget is. None have phones. That is our preference as parents. That doesn't mean the parents whose children have gadgets are wrong, not at all! We have to be very careful that we don't push our preferences onto other parents. Or judge other parents because of their preferences, that causes wars. Media...oh, media. Our children don't watch certain movies, their tv time is very very very limited to mostly under thirty minutes per week, and all music is filtered through us. That is our preferences and goes with our standards. Now, if another parent comes to me and says she and her child watched something we choose not to watch, I don't sit there and say "oh, no no no no no, we do NOT watch that", I say "oh really, we haven't seen that", there is no need to push our opinions onto others, unless asked.
You see, these mommy wars are very much avoidable. It boils down to one word...RESPECT. We have to respect each other. Y'all, motherhood is hard. It is sacred. It is scary. And at times, it can be lonely. We need to be behind each other saying "YOU CAN DO IT", not "look at that train wreck!" We need to stand next to each other and help each other, we need to say "you're doing great!"; we don't need to stab each other in the back and say "I am so much better."
Today, I take a vow to in my life, put an end to this mommy war. You raise your children. I raise my children. We support each other positively. We can help the next generation.
Peace and Mommyhood,
Rebecca
Now onto one I run into often, media and technology! Our children don't have a lot of technological devices. Actually our oldest son is the only one that has one, a DS3, and he had to save up for half of it before he got it, and he saved up by doing odd jobs for people. None of our children have iPads, Kindles, Nooks, or whatever the newest gadget is. None have phones. That is our preference as parents. That doesn't mean the parents whose children have gadgets are wrong, not at all! We have to be very careful that we don't push our preferences onto other parents. Or judge other parents because of their preferences, that causes wars. Media...oh, media. Our children don't watch certain movies, their tv time is very very very limited to mostly under thirty minutes per week, and all music is filtered through us. That is our preferences and goes with our standards. Now, if another parent comes to me and says she and her child watched something we choose not to watch, I don't sit there and say "oh, no no no no no, we do NOT watch that", I say "oh really, we haven't seen that", there is no need to push our opinions onto others, unless asked.
You see, these mommy wars are very much avoidable. It boils down to one word...RESPECT. We have to respect each other. Y'all, motherhood is hard. It is sacred. It is scary. And at times, it can be lonely. We need to be behind each other saying "YOU CAN DO IT", not "look at that train wreck!" We need to stand next to each other and help each other, we need to say "you're doing great!"; we don't need to stab each other in the back and say "I am so much better."
Today, I take a vow to in my life, put an end to this mommy war. You raise your children. I raise my children. We support each other positively. We can help the next generation.
Peace and Mommyhood,
Rebecca
