So today, I want to talk about something that seems a bit taboo. Let's face it - I like opening up the lid on taboo subjects. Maybe I lack decorum or maybe I really think if my story will help someone, then I am going to share it. I believe it is the latter of the two.
So here it is....the "M Word."
MENOPAUSE (collective gasp of horror)
All of you who know my age (mid-30s) are wondering why I am addressing something that will happen in twenty-ish years. It is because I am one of the few, the proud, the menopausal women (collective gasp of horror and covering of eyes.)
Four months ago I had a Total Abdominal Hysterectomy with Bilateral Salpingo-Oophorectomy
(removal of both ovaries, both fallopian tubes, uterus, and reconstruction of the cervix), that put me into instant menopause. I did not have the process leading up to natural menopause. I woke up in the morning with estrogen and all my organs and ten hours later I had a few less organs and no estrogen.
So let me talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I have had three c-sections and while the pain was intense it was nothing like this. My hysterectomy was DaVinci Robotic Assisted surgery - and the pain afterwards was like nothing I have ever experienced. As I sit here and type I am getting nauseous and getting chills just at the memory of the surgery. I don't remember my first two weeks post-op because of the pain meds. However, with that said - if your doctor recommends a hysterectomy - do it! I know you feel all warm and fuzzy with that thought.
Let's talk about the reason for this post. The M-Word.
Prior to my hysterectomy I read up on menopause. Before I make any decision, I research it until there is no more researching to do. I read up on menopause, talked to ladies who were in menopause, talked to ladies who had a hysterectomy, and even watched what my procedure would be on youtube (Youtube Hysterectomy). If you watch a surgical procedure on youtube, don't eat steak while doing it. Just a word to the wise.
I felt empty inside after the procedure. Not emotionally empty, but physically empty. I know other organs shifted to the spots the ones removed were in, but I could still feel a "space". I didn't mourn the loss of my organs immediately after surgery and I didn't feel entirely different immediately afterwards. But remember I was pretty medicated.
The bad parts of menopause, for me, are:
- Hot Flashes - Like seriously - I live in the deep south. The summers have always been warm but never intolerable for me. I had my surgery in winter, so I was able to dress comfortably to prepare for hot flashes. Now that we are in the summer season, and not even the hottest months yet, I wear as little clothing as modestly possible. It's as if I am on fire while I walk through the bowels of hell. And I sweat. Some ladies turn red during a hot flash. Me, I sweat. Not glisten, but looking like I just got done swimming sweat. I mean, I am not a little girl - like I am big. So being a big sweaty girl...now that is special.
- Memory Loss - I feel like Dory with short term memory loss. My memory used to be something I would take pride in. Now I need to write everything down, twice, because I will inevitably lose one of the pieces of paper I wrote it down on.
- Headache - I have had a chronic headache since my hysterectomy.
- Fatigue - I used to be tired. Having three kids in five years, and one who didn't sleep through the night for her first four years - I was tired. But now I am exhausted, fatigued, and need naps.
- Loss of Bonding - I won't be able to share the time of the month with my daughter. I know that sounds odd, but that is a bonding I will miss out on with her.
So...if you see me walking down the street...singing do-wah diddy-diddy down diddy-do...while sweating, falling asleep, and forgetting my name - don't be alarmed.
The good parts of menopause, for me, are:
- Saving Money - Saving the $50+ per month I used to spend on feminine products and putting it towards clothes or whatever for the kids.
- Even Keel Emotions - There are no longer those two weeks a month that I want to kill everyone and eat chocolate while sleeping and crying. If I get angry, I can easily identify why I am upset and resolve it.
- Increased Confidence - I was pretty confident prior, but something just tweaked in my mind. I am finding the more menopausal I am, the more confident I become.
- More Adventurous - This probably goes hand in hand with increased confidence. If there is something I want to do, I generally do it and don't over-analyze the "what ifs" and don't get near as panicky as I used to. For instance, I have decided to return to college - prior to menopause I had the desire to do this, but always talked myself out of it. Now I am going for it! With the confidence and adventurous spirit I will do amazing.
- Soft Heart Toward Children - My favorite thing to say was "I don't like kids, except my own, and that is not even all the time," however, I have noticed since losing my ability to have children, I see them in a different light. It is as if my estrogen decrease caused me to like kids. Odd....so odd. But it is a good thing. Because now I like kids more and am more patient with them. All of them, including my own.
- Compassionate - I am much more compassionate. Even towards animals, people, and even tv commercials! Maybe just maybe my estrogen was making me mean!
- Clothing - I can wear white whenever I want now!
- Increased Self Awareness - I know that I must now take myself off the back burner and move to one of the front burners. There are a lot more increased risks for diseases such as heart disease, stroke, heart failure, cancer, osteoporosis, and dementia for me. Now I know I have to take my health, my stress, and taking care of me more seriously. This means - I stopped tanning (hence the white skin tone), and am trying to get more sleep and eat healthier.
- No Worry About Pregnancy
- Hair and Nails - For some reason my previously bitter nails are now growing long and strong. My hair is growing quicker. I have some hair loss associated with menopause - but this means I find creative ways to part my hair!
This is a short-long list of the M-word from the perspective of a mid-thirty year old. I don't want my experience to be hush-hush. Just as with my miscarriages, addictions, and abuse I don't want my story to be silent. If I can help one person feel normal or not alone, then it is worth going through and sharing!
A few notes:
- I am on Hormone Replacement Therapy (estrogen), I take it in pill form. The patch doesn't stick to my skin, but I (personally) would prefer the patch. The patch gives a continuous release of estrogen versus the pill which does not. And there are increased risks with the pill.
- I am not a doctor of giving medical advice. I am not a professional. I am a person living life. Please consult with your doctor for medical needs.
- Research your options in life and decide what is best for you.
If you are going to have a hysterectomy in the near future or are in menopause, some websites I found useful are:
http://www.hystersisters.com/
http://redhotmamas.org/
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/life-transitions/menopause/understanding-menopause
http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/staying-married/husbands/what-wives-wish-their-husbands-knew-about-menopause
