It hit me today, as I was going about my day to day business that
I am kind! I am kind to myself! Around this time last year I was seeing a
therapist, because my life was essentially falling apart, from the inside out.
I was fighting for a place, for acceptance in my familial relationships.
Fighting to be accepted into friendships. Fighting to prove to
everyone that I was okay, when I really wasn't. Most of all I was
fighting an internal battle. I hated myself, and was on a constant quest
of self-enlightenment, self-improvement, and most of all self-acceptance.
Through therapy I was able to open up about my formative years, and my
therapist helped me realize that all of this self-hatred was stemming from events
from my childhood. Events out of my control, yet events that affected me
greatly. The events stunted me as a person, I was never able to truly
move on from those things that happened to me as a young child through my adult
years. One thing my therapist told me to do was to start speaking to
myself as I would the little girl who was held inside of me. I needed to
speak to my worth, my potential, the truth about myself. Basically, I
needed to practice Philippians 4:8-9 towards myself. Philippians 4:8-9 in
the Message paraphrase says "Summing it all
up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on
things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not
the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.
Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and
realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you
into his most excellent harmonies."
I realized today, almost a year later, that I
have obtained that self-peace. When I look at myself I no longer think
the negative things I used to. Instead I see all of the positives in me.
The little damaged girl is no longer held captive inside of me, but I
have set her free. I am a new person. I no longer feel a need to
fight for a spot in my familial relationships, because I know whether I am accepted
or rejected, I am okay. I have become very secure in my friendships, in the past year they have changed immensely. I have been able to remove
myself from the relationships where I had to fight for status and just
have good healthy relationships with a lot of people. I don't have
anything to prove to anyone, I am in such a great place.
If you find yourself struggling with your self
talk, there are many things you can do. I know as mothers, especially, it
is easy to get lost in the day to day things and before you know it the only
time you have to think about yourself is at midnight on Tuesday, when you
haven't showered in three days and you smell like spit up mixed with cleaning
agents. However, take time for yourself, even to think about yourself.
Take time once a week (or more) to do something
that makes you feel special. For me, it is an at home manicure and
pedicure. I have an extensive nail polish collection (110 colors to be
exact) and it is fun and relaxing for me to just sit down and pamper myself.
For you it may be going on a walk, drinking a cup of coffee on the back
porch alone, anything that makes you feel "normal".
Journal. Journal. Journal.
However you find getting your thoughts out of your head and onto paper is
easiest. For some people it may be having an actual pen and paper.
Others it may be notes in their phone. You may enjoy having a
private blog only you can see to journal. Getting thoughts and feelings
out of your head helps immensely.
Keep an "affirmation journal".
This is something I started in my teens, I started writing good things
that people said to me in a journal and kept it. I would look at it often
to remind myself of the good people saw in me. Now I write not only the
affirmations people say to me but the observations I have about
myself, positive quotes, or positive things I read. Focusing on the
positive helped me get past my past and flourish into the woman I am today.
As the year comes to a close, focus on what you
can do to be kind to yourself. From a gal who was so wrapped up in pain,
insecurities, and rejection to now a gal who is able to hold her head high,
shoulders back, and laugh with no fear of the future, I tell you it is worth
it. Every moment you invest into yourself is worth it. It is not
selfish, let no one tell you that doing things for yourself is selfish.
You need to be the best YOU you can be so you can be there for everyone
who needs you.
Merry Christmas to each of you. I hope the
holidays bring you much joy, peace, and you make lovely memories with those you
care about.
XOXO,
Rebecca
