Twelve Years Later

Twelve years ago today, I became a new person.  I became a wife.  I moved out of my parents home into a one bedroom apartment with my husband.  Twelve years ago....I was so young.  Just a young lady.  A naive young lady who was so in love with the idea of being married.  And so in love with this guy who stole my heart with his first handshake as he was was wearing his Carhart jacket, in the church where we would be married.

Twelve years can change a person so immensely.  Oh we have had some horrible times.   But we have had amazing times.  There have been times where we would cling to each other and times where we would run from each other.  In twelve years we have had three children born.  Three wonderful miracles.  We also have four babies in heaven, four babies I carried in my womb, held in my heart,  but never in my arms.  The pain of loss doesn't go away, it just decreases as life moves on.  It becomes a part of who you are.  But, right by my side was my husband.  Holding me.  Hugging me.  Kissing away my tears.  When others were getting pregnant so easily, it seems just by rubbing elbows, and my husband and I were trying to get pregnant, calculating peak ovulation times, checking dates, temperatures, and doing crazy acrobats to try to get pregnant, we waited three years  - 36 months.  We went through so many pregnancy tests.  Our second born child took two years to conceive.  And our third born child took about a year to conceive.  It is amazing that each month as the test came back negative, my husband would just hold me and we would mourn the loss of a dream together.  Oh those were the times that were heart breaking and joy bearing.  Those child-bearing years.

Here we are in a new season.  We are no longer bearing children together.  We have ended that season.  We are now raising our children.  We are in the years of adolescence and pre-pubescence.  We are in the season of sports and various extracurriculars.  We are in the season of guiding and slowly letting out that rope and pulling it in when needed.  We are navigating the strange waters of crushes, acceptance, rejection, and self-esteem.  We are in the season of setting values, when "everyone" else is doing something, seeing something, listening to something that we don't  they know that it is something that we don't do.  The phrase "That's not what the Ritcheys do" will be engraved into our children in little time.  My husband and I both pull from our childhoods, things that made us that we incorporate into our parenting.  The things that broke us, we steer from.  We are in a season of lots of feedback from each other, lots of reading of parenting books and blogs.  We are in a season of knowing that our days of having little ones in the house will all too soon be coming to an end and we will soon have older children and then it will be just the two of us under our roof again.

We look forward to spending at least another sixty years together, raising our children, celebrating occasions with our grandchildren, and making memories with our great-grandchildren.  We look forward to traveling the world together, to create memories we didn't when we were first married.  We look forward to ministering to others in whatever way God sees fit.  I am so thankful for the past twelve years, they have by far been the most rewarding years of my life!

My Holland

Today, I share something that I tend to not talk about a whole lot.  Something that I am not at all ashamed of, but it is my "cup in life" so I live it as my norm.  None of my children are "typical" children.  Each of my children have special needs.  I was told one time that my children do not have special needs because they are not visibly non-typical.  That is a lie.  It took me a minute to recover from the person saying that because their child is typical and their experience in the special needs world is very limited.  After this was said to me I realized that I was being judged because my children aren't the stereotypical children you picture when you hear the words special needs.

Last week one of my children was diagnosed with a neurodevelopmental disorder (ASD). One part of me was relieved because my husband and I had noticed large differences in this child versus our other two children.  I literally read fifteen books on strong willed children - in one week - trying to figure out this child.  I applied everything I learned and it made no difference.  When I heard the diagnosis I went to the library to return my fifteen strong willed child books and checked out other books on ASD.  I have been on the internet daily for the past week looking up resources, finding advocacy groups, learning triggers.  I have contacted friends who have children with ASD as well and asked what to do.  I have reached out beyond what I normally do, because I need help with this.  When I first heard the diagnosis I felt as if I was shipwrecked and pieces of my hopes, dreams, desires for a typical life were all floating around me, taunting me to grab hold and hold on because I was alone in a vast ocean.  By myself.  Cold.  Afraid.  And the only single thing I was holding onto was a tiny piece of driftwood called courage.  Oh I want to cry.  I want to scream.  But right now I am just grasping onto the courage I have.  As I reach out and read resources I am finding that the ocean isn't as deep, dark, and scary as it was.  I am finding that the torrent of waves and shark infested doubts are beginning to go to the wayside and every so often I hear a foghorn of hope.  I see a flashing light of arms reaching out to support our family.  

The life I have is not what I imagined as a little girl.  I didn't imagine having a cabinet dedicated to prescriptions for my children.  I didn't imagine having a schedule of when to administer medications and having to make sure I label bottles AM and PM so I don't confuse the morning medication with the bedtime medication.  I never pictured brain scans, neurologists, orthopedic specialists, xrays upon xrays, pediatric behavior specialists, speech pathologists, traveling to different states to see specialists.  I never imagined taking my children to a Children's Hospital.  I never pictured seeing my infant in double casts not knowing if walking was possible.  I didn't plan on holding my child for three days straight every other month while they have a migraine that causes such intense pain all they can do is cringe and hold on to you and sweat.  I didn't picture the stares I would receive as one of my children twitches, grimaces to the point of their mouth being ripped open, and picking their own skin and gums until it is full of bloody scabs.  I never imagined the looks of judgement and horror as my child has a meltdown in a public place because the lights are flickering, there is too much noise, the sensory sensitivity makes it so the child cannot be typical.

I also didn't imagine the intense joy as I got to wash my infants feet for the first time without casts.  I didn't picture the relief that the child I was recommended to terminate started walking, running, jumping, and climbing.  I couldn't imagine the knowledge I have of IEPs, Special Education Services, and Government programs available. I didn't picture the love I have for my child who is so proud because they were able to go a whole day without picking their skin.  I didn't imagine that I would have an amazing community of both special needs moms and typical moms that are rooting for me.  I never imagined the sigh of relief that I would have when my child vomits because then I know the migraine is ending.  I didn't picture the mama bear that is inside of me, the one that is fighting for my children through red tape, fighting to keep both my head and our children's heads up as we are in public and receive stares.  I didn't imagine getting the opportunity to travel to different states with one of my children - that is known as quality time, even if it is to see specialists.  I didn't expect for parents to come to me and say "because of you I didn't give up."  I never imagined the courage I would have as a mom.  The respect I would gain for other moms.  I never imagined the intense, unwavering, and unconditional love I would have for each of my children...who are not only special needs but are extremely special!

Free Birth Control!!!

We have had a very active week this week. Naps have been nonexistent.
We decided to go to Walmart tonight.

Three exhausted yet hyper children.
Two headache ridden parents without coffee - Starbucks was closed. Dang you Starbucks!

Walmart at 8 pm on a Friday night.

This is called FREE BIRTH CONTROL!

I am pretty sure every person who is not yet a parent has decided that they don't need kids.

Yes public - you can thank us now!!

Mama Mayhem

Summer has just begun in our home.  It has been rainy every day....no sunshine.  Just rain.  So much rain.  Friday afternoon there was too much rain, too much energy, and not near enough space.  Here is what happens when I create my own Mama Mayhem!  

YAY!!!!

A couple weeks ago we were eating out at a local restaurant, it is a quaint seafood place, it is quiet, and that night we had the only children in the restaurant for quite a while.  Our two year old had to go potty (as all kids do in a new place, at least ten times), on her first trip to the restroom, she was very proud of herself.  As she and I walked back into the dining room, she walked quickly through the dining and not-so quietly proclaimed "YAY!  I WENT POTTY PAPA!!!!!" Papa is my dad, and he and the rest of the family were sitting all the way across the dining room.  As we walked people at other tables celebrated with her and congratulated her.  

Our daughter was so proud of herself, and she proclaimed her pride for all to hear!  How do you celebrate things your children accomplish?  Growing up, we were celebrated with eating out for dinner or maybe going out for dessert when we accomplished something.  No matter big or small there was a celebration and usually a gift of some sort to go along with it. My husband and I have adopted that tradition as our own, as our children are accomplishing more and more things.

Last year, at the end of the school year we had an "end of the school year" celebration at Chick-Fil-A with some of the cousins.  I bought all the kids books and we just hung and out and celebrated the beginning of summer/end of school year.  When our oldest son comes home with all good marks on his behavior calendar at school we go out to a restaurant of his choice.  When we just don't have time to spend a couple hours out, I will make the child's favorite dessert or buy them a special toy.  

Our youngest son just graduated preschool, which is absolutely crazy..where is the time going?  We didn't have time to do a special celebration but he got a special dessert at home and the day of his graduation was all about him.  Celebrating your children's accomplishments is so important.  Little or big.  Expensive or frugal.  Celebrate the accomplishments.  Let your child know what they do is important.  Allow them to broadcast their pride, just as our two year old did....and let others celebrate with them!

Menu Planning

It is 4:30 pm.  The homework is done.  Things are ready for the next day.  Then it hits.  All of the sudden several short people run to you begging for food, crying out of hunger pains, asking "mom, what is for dinner?!!!!"  Your heart starts beating double time, you begin to accumulate little beads of sweat on your forehead, and you realize that you have no idea.  No idea what to feed these children.  The choices are evident, scrambled eggs or spaghetti red....again.  
If this sounds like something out of your life, a true story, have no fear you are not alone and this situation is completely rectifiable.  

The above illustration used to be me, and admittedly, some days it still is.  However, I have found the days of dinner time panic reducing thanks to a nifty tool, a menu!  I menu plan for dinners only, but eventually would like to plan for breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, and dinner menus.  Baby steps, right?  

Having a menu makes grocery shopping easier and staying in budget is no longer a hassle.  Grocery shopping takes much less time because I have an exact list of exactly what we will need for the week.  Also, you can do a pantry inventory to see what meals you can make out of the items already in your pantry or freezer.  I never had anyone take me by the hand and tell me how to make a menu, it became trial and error, and creativity, lots of creativity.

Menu Template
I have found that there are a lot of great websites to help with your menu planning.  I got my template for my menu from Modern Mommy Canada (I found the website on Pinterest as a free printable), it is exactly what I was looking for.  I printed it out, laminated it, decorated it a little bit, and use dry erase markers to update the calendar weekly.  I have also made a separate column on the menu for what we have going on that evening, keeping in mind schedules makes it much easier to plan meals that will be in the time frame we have to eat.

Meal Planning
I use a simple google search to look for meal ideas.  A lot of times I choose "simple inexpensive healthy family meals", or if I have a surplus of a certain type of meat in the freezer I may search "easy ground venison recipes" or "inexpensive chicken recipes".  I just tailor the search to my menu needs of the week.  I use my iCloud calendar that my husband and I share and put the recipe name in it at the dinner slot.  I also copy and paste the recipe into a word document and print out the document so I have all the recipes for the week in one location.  This is the most time consuming part of menu planning.  It usually takes me half an hour to an hour depending on interruptions and what the week holds.  However, this is the part that makes my life so much easier.  It is worth the time to sit down and plan.


Display Menu
I have the menu located on a kitchen cabinet that is easy to see and refer to.  Our oldest child can read so if he asks what is for dinner, or if one of the littles ask for dinner he can refer to that to answer the question.  The menu is not set in stone, even when it is displayed, I have had to make little tweaks or change the meal for the night all together.  It is a guide to allow you to have a bit less hectic day.

Taking a little time once a week to organize a menu is worth it.  You will find that dinner time is much less stressful and that your evening may even go more smoothly.  You can do it!

In Menu Making,
Rebecca

My Time

My husband and I were trying to figure out how I could get some "me time" outside of the house.  Our schedules at this moment don't allow for me to do something for just me, especially since the time we are all home together, I want to spend as family time.  I have considered re-entering the workforce just to have some time for myself and adult interaction, but after much thought I nixed that idea because I thoroughly love being at home, making my own schedule, and truly it is rare that I NEED time for just me.  After tossing around ideas of what I could do to get me time, what I would want to do with my me time, and the reality of the little time until all three children are in school full time.  After he said I could open a gym with child care in my town, and I quickly shot that idea down, we tried to figure out more things.  I don't have parents who can help out with my kids during the day.  Most of my friends work outside the home or are as busy as we are.  And, I am not willing to pay a day care tuition just for a couple hours a week of me time.  My amazing husband said "you should write a blog about it and include some advice on this situation".  I spent a couple days brainstorming how I could get time for me, or how could another stay at home mom in my situation, without people to help her go about getting some me time without cutting into family time on the coveted Saturdays.  

1.  A Co-Op

I have been thinking that I could start a babysitting co-op with other stay at home moms who have young children.  Switching out for a couple hours once a month.  I haven't approached any of my stay at home mom friends about it yet....but they will be getting a little "hey want to come over for coffee" invite and maybe the co-op will happen out of that little get-together.

2.  Hire A Babysitter

The summer is about to begin which means teenagers will be out of school.  Hire a babysitter for a few hours a week during the summer.  Where I live, homeschooling is popular, I do have one teenager I ask to babysit from time to time when I have a doctor's appointment or something I cannot take the little kids to.  This would take money, where as a co-op wouldn't, but really it is minor compared to the cost of a day care.

3.  Be Open
This isn't a solution for the alone time situation, but it is something I have realized in the past few months.  I have to be open with my husband when I start feeling run down, overwhelmed, depressed, or just down right lonely.  I have learned to catch it early and just be open with him, he usually helps me get some alone time within a week.  That alone time is something like taking a long bath, going to bed early, or sleeping in.  I will take it!

Do you have any fresh ideas for getting alone time as a stay at home mom?  Please share them!

In Motherhood,
Rebecca