Forty Hours

When I was in high school a marquee on a restaurant said something along the lines of, "School has begun!  All the moms are rejoicing!" My mom heatedly said "That is so sad!  I do not feel that way!"  At the time, I didn't know what she meant.  I didn't realize what she was saying until yesterday.  Why yesterday?

This starts at last Thursday.  It was my kids first day back at school.  Kindergarten, second grade, and fifth grade.  We have been ready all summer, excitedly preparing, buying school supplies, and my children proudly announcing their grades to all who would hear.  My husband also took vacation from last Thursday to Wednesday to hang out with me.  I missed the kids while my husband was home.  There was another human in the house so it wasn't horribly quiet.  I did cry each day because I  missed my kids at home.

Yesterday he went back to work.  I cried.  I dropped off the kids at school.  I cried.  I met a friend for coffee.  I cried.  School let out early due to weather.  I cried, tears of joy.  This morning my kids went to school.  I cried.  I went home and slept for a couple hours.  I woke up.  I cried.  A friend called to check on me.  I cried.  We talked for almost two hours on the phone, hung up.  I cried.  Basically I am a hot mess.

For almost eleven years I have had at least one child at home with me almost all the time.  Prior to that - I worked outside the home and it was my husband and I at home.  And before that it was my parents, two brothers, and myself at home.  So I have never been alone.  Oh, I was looking forward to the "alone" time, but not forty hours a week.  When the kids are home, I try not to cling to them, but I do hold them closer perhaps than ever before.  Yesterday, my fifth grader said "mom I want to be homeschooled", inwardly, I celebrated.  I said, "Why?  I think you need to think about it, there are pros and cons for that.  Think about it.  I would love to homeschool you, but I need you to think about it."  We spoke about it for a while, and he finally admitted "mom I just don't want you to be sad anymore." Dang it!  I guess when I broke down crying during dinner Wednesday and said "I just miss y'all so much during the day" got his little heart strings.  So, I am not homeschooling him.  That would not be fair to him. 

Each of my children have amazing teachers, they go to a top notch school, the staff truly cares about the students.  I could go to the school and eat lunch with the kids every day if I wanted to.  I am horribly lonely.  I don't know if all moms feel like this or if I am just an oddity.  One of my friends is driving her youngest child to college today, I cry for her.  I don't want to think about that.  I am just so lonely I could cry...Oh wait, I am!

I have about forty hours a week that I can do something for myself.  Each day I could plan something.  Except for those days already brightly highlighted in green, because those are the days my babies are home.  I have had lots of suggestions, I am truly looking into each of them on how I would like to do the activity.  I did not expect my heart to hurt this bad or for me to watch the clock and countdown the hours and minutes before I leave to get my kids. 

My question today - is how have other moms survived this transition?