Hey! You need girlfriends!!

Hey you!  Yes you!  You need girlfriends.  Yes, I am talking to you, stop looking around, there is no one else I am talking to!

What do I mean that you need girlfriends?  As moms we all need other moms who have gone through or are going through the same seasons as we are.  I remember one time overhearing two moms of infants talking, they were friends, and would go to each others homes to watch their friend's baby so the mom could shower.  That was ingenious!  See, you need girlfriends for good hygiene!

When my youngest child was potty training, I had friends who were potty training their children as well.  We were able to have potty parties.  When everyone is putting their child on the toilet every ten minutes, it makes the routine seem a little less crazy.  You need girlfriends for your sanity!

Now as my children are getting older, I have friends who are in the same season.  We are able to have coffee together, once in a while get a little pampering, and talk about the new routines of life.  You need girlfriends to hold your hand through the seasons!

I have one friend who is going through a divorce, one friend whose oldest child recently passed away, and another friend who is going through insurance red tape while trying to help her child get help for medical issues.  Here is one thing I have found, being a friend, being there is what they need.  They have professionals telling them what to do, parents telling them how to act, society telling them what is acceptable.  What they need is a friend standing next to them and whispering to them "it's okay", not the situation, not what is happening, but that it is okay.  We need girlfriends.

According to the Mayo Clinic, good friends have positive benefits, such as:

• "Increase your sense of belonging and purpose
• Boost your happiness and reduce your stress
• Improve your self-confidence and self-worth
• Help you cope with traumas, such as divorce, serious illness, job loss or the death of a loved one
• Encourage you to change or avoid unhealthy lifestyle habits, such as excessive drinking or lack of exercise"

Mayo Clinic goes further to say:

"Many adults find it hard to develop new friendships or keep up existing friendships. Friendships may take a back seat to other priorities, such as work or caring for children or aging parents. You and your friends may have grown apart due to changes in your lives or interests. Or maybe you've moved to a new community and haven't yet found a way to meet people.

Developing and maintaining good friendships takes effort. The enjoyment and comfort friendship can provide, however, makes the investment worthwhile."

Tell me, how have you, as a mom found and fostered good friendships?  I want to hear from you!

Report Cards

Today was report card day in our home!  

This year has been a great struggle academically with my two school-aged children.  Our oldest child easily made honor roll every year before and this year it has been quite a challenge.  Our middle child is in kindergarten, and he has always been a one-of-a-kind, in his own world, doing his own thing, relaxed child.  I am happy to say that both of my boys have improved in their marks.  Our third grader has stayed at or improved in each subject.  Our kindergartner has improved in many areas.

This semester there have been many tears, much sweat, and not any blood, but I am pretty sure we were close.  Besides assigned homework, there was additional work to be done due to the boys not making high marks.  Having additional work for two children, when you have three children, makes for very very long nights.  However, I am glad that we bit the bullet and did the extra work.  I am spending time this evening looking up additional work in the areas they are still struggling in, addition to the additional work they have to do for the school.  Why do I do this?  They are smart, very smart children, and I want them to know it.

I didn't make good grades in school and due to moving around during my elementary years I missed much of the basics of school.  For instance, we left one state and I was just learning subtraction, we went to the next state and they were learning long division, I missed basic multiplication and division, and no one went back to teach me.  I had to learn while learning other basics.  This followed me through all my school years and I was often told that I didn't test well, and many times I was probably passed to the next grade out of pity!  It wasn't until about five years ago that I realized "I am smart!!!"  I went through twenty plus years thinking I wasn't smart, when in reality I didn't apply myself as I should have and didn't take opportunities of help that I could have.  My parents helped me a lot, I went to tutoring at an older woman's home, I don't remember her name, but I remember she always had candy and a drink for me while we did math.  I went to an outside learning center for tutoring.  However, I didn't go the extra mile when the opportunities were there.  I think in life, that is my biggest regret, because I now know that I am very smart, and I could have made very good grades.  I don't want my children to become adults and realize that they had it in them to make good grades.  I want to help pull it out of them and see them flourish as children and into adulthood.

With that, I have a schedule for my children that I try to keep each weeknight.

The third grader does half an hour on the computer, followed by twenty minutes of book reading, then homework, extra assigned school work, extra work I have for him, and then we read together for another twenty minutes.

While the third grader is doing that, our kindergartner uses the same time increments but on a different schedule.

He does his homework, extra assigned school work, extra work I have for him, twenty minutes of reading, half hour of computer, and them we we read together for another twenty minutes.

This schedule is rigorous and hard and some nights we don't stay on track, but often we do.  While the boys are doing their work, our three year old will play, color, or hang out with us.  They all play while I make dinner and then it is dinner, brushing teeth, and bed.  There are nights that I cry out of frustration because I don't understand (especially math), but then there are nights that we celebrate because things have clicked.

This past week the boys both had testing and they both exceeded their goals!  That is proof in itself that the extra work, the hard work is paying off!  If you find your children are not making grades you know they are capable of making, intervene, make appointments with your children's teacher to see how you can help your child, go the extra mile and have your children come with you on the extra mile.  It is not easy being a parent, and it is certainly very difficult being a parent that has goals for your children, but it is worth it!  You can do it!

New Year, New Goals

Seven years ago today, I did the best thing I could have done for my family.  I became a stay at home mom.

The first year of being a stay at home mom was difficult financially, learning to live on a singe income that was less than half of what we were making when I worked outside the home.  Realizing that sitcoms had stay at home moms in a light that was unrealistic. We essentially went back to the basics.  We were used to buying what we wanted, when we wanted, without a thought.  Eating out was a way of life.  I would get essentially a new wardrobe every weekend.

For a long time we did without internet, cable, and I learned quickly the art of making a meal out of three cans of food.  After I became a stay at home mom, we made poor financial choices that we didn't square away until a year and a half ago.  We are now debt free and in the process of rebuilding our good credit.  Protect your credit!

Now as a veteran stay at home mom and as a mom who has had experience being a work outside the home mom, I have learned many things:

1. The Joneses Suck:  Don't worry about what other families are doing.  Do what works for you and your family.  Learn from others, but don't get jealous and try to be like them.  Create your own life.

2.  You Either Manage Your Money Or Your Money Manages You:  We learned through very difficult experiences to manage our money.  Don't live within a box of not enough, alter your lifestyle so your money is enough.  Be aware that everyone has different financial situations, respect yourself and your husband enough to stay within your means.

3.  Create Your Own Happiness:  Being a stay at home mom isn't always glamorous and can sometimes be lonely.  If there is one aspect of being a stay at home mom that you absolutely love, make it a priority.  Don't depend on others to make you happy, this is your life, you need to take it by the horns.

4.  Take Time For You: Being a stay at home mom is a job.  No matter what anyone else says, it is a job!  Take time off.  Time off won't be what typical jobs are, you won't get fifteen minute breaks or a lunch break, but do what you need to do to take care of you.  I have girls nights often because I need time off.  I go to coffee with friends.  I try to make myself a priority a few times a month.

5.  Rely On God:  Cliche.  I know.  But true. Take time with God daily.  As a stay at home mom, you can't always block out a half hour to read your Bible and pray.  You can be in a constant state of prayer, open YouVersion and use a translation that has audio and listen to it, put on worship music.  Listen to sermons online or on tv as you go about your day.  When you are at your wits end, focus on Jesus.  Make Him your first priority and He will give you all the wisdom and strength you need.

If you want to be a stay at home mom, look at your options.  Decide what you can do without and begin cutting away the fat of your finances.  See if you can go to a part time job first then to being a full time stay at home mom.

Hey You, Be Kind!

It hit me today, as I was going about my day to day business that I am kind!  I am kind to myself!  Around this time last year I was seeing a therapist, because my life was essentially falling apart, from the inside out.  I was fighting for a place, for acceptance in my familial relationships.  Fighting to be accepted into friendships.  Fighting to prove to everyone that I was okay, when I really wasn't.  Most of all I was fighting an internal battle.  I hated myself, and was on a constant quest of self-enlightenment, self-improvement, and most of all self-acceptance.  Through therapy I was able to open up about my formative years, and my therapist helped me realize that all of this self-hatred was stemming from events from my childhood.  Events out of my control, yet events that affected me greatly.  The events stunted me as a person, I was never able to truly move on from those things that happened to me as a young child through my adult years.  One thing my therapist told me to do was to start speaking to myself as I would the little girl who was held inside of me.  I needed to speak to my worth, my potential, the truth about myself.  Basically, I needed to practice Philippians 4:8-9 towards myself.  Philippians 4:8-9 in the Message paraphrase says "Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."

I realized today, almost a year later, that I have obtained that self-peace.  When I look at myself I no longer think the negative things I used to.  Instead I see all of the positives in me.  The little damaged girl is no longer held captive inside of me, but I have set her free.  I am a new person.  I no longer feel a need to fight for a spot in my familial relationships, because I know whether I am accepted or rejected, I am okay.  I have become very secure in my friendships, in the past year they have changed immensely.  I have been able to remove myself from the relationships where I had to fight for status and just have good healthy relationships with a lot of people.  I don't have anything to prove to anyone, I am in such a great place.  

If you find yourself struggling with your self talk, there are many things you can do.  I know as mothers, especially, it is easy to get lost in the day to day things and before you know it the only time you have to think about yourself is at midnight on Tuesday, when you haven't showered in three days and you smell like spit up mixed with cleaning agents.  However, take time for yourself, even to think about yourself.

Take time once a week (or more) to do something that makes you feel special.  For me, it is an at home manicure and pedicure.  I have an extensive nail polish collection (110 colors to be exact) and it is fun and relaxing for me to just sit down and pamper myself.  For you it may be going on a walk, drinking a cup of coffee on the back porch alone, anything that makes you feel "normal".

Journal.  Journal.  Journal.  However you find getting your thoughts out of your head and onto paper is easiest.  For some people it may be having an actual pen and paper.  Others it may be notes in their phone.  You may enjoy having a private blog only you can see to journal.  Getting thoughts and feelings out of your head helps immensely.  

 

Keep an "affirmation journal".  This is something I started in my teens, I started writing good things that people said to me in a journal and kept it.  I would look at it often to remind myself of the good people saw in me.  Now I write not only the affirmations people say to me but the observations I have about myself, positive quotes, or positive things I read.  Focusing on the positive helped me get past my past and flourish into the woman I am today.

As the year comes to a close, focus on what you can do to be kind to yourself.  From a gal who was so wrapped up in pain, insecurities, and rejection to now a gal who is able to hold her head high, shoulders back, and laugh with no fear of the future, I tell you it is worth it.  Every moment you invest into yourself is worth it.  It is not selfish, let no one tell you that doing things for yourself is selfish.  You need to be the best YOU you can be so you can be there for everyone who needs you.

Merry Christmas to each of you.  I hope the holidays bring you much joy, peace, and you make lovely memories with those you care about.

XOXO,

Rebecca